I wonder when...

I wonder when...

I'll fully and completely get over some of the past events that have happened that still for some reason cut me to the core. Not that I have regrets but just that I have such an immense longing to make peace in every area of my life and instead of feeling vindication for leaving some people in the dust where they belong, I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder and yet I know it is all for the best. It's not that I don't understand why things are the way they are now, but it's just that I wonder what if things had been made more final, more harsh, more abrupt...if I weren't so peace making with friends I feel that I would have stood up for myself years ago when I was younger and I would now probably be at peace with my decisions. And it isn't that I'm not at peace I guess because I have shut people out of my life for very good reasons but I guess I wish it didn't have to come to that. But it did. I am wondering where life will now take me...some friends are new, others are old, does it go in a cycle where your new friendships will eventually fall apart too and you will weed out the good from the bad? I wish things weren't so dramatic all the time. I pray to be a good person, a great friend, and I know I fall short a lot of the time. But we all fall short of the glory of God. And I feel over the past year I have learned more in my growth with God than I have ever before. I can honestly say that I feel pretty decent about life right now, although there are definitely some areas that are still lacking in my opinion I am praying that God's timing for me and Doug and a new house will be happening very soon...somehow. That's the part I'm still waiting to work out. Here I am, 5 years from where I was when I first started my original blog and I am still here asking questions. Wondering where I'm headed...do I really have the same questions. I wish I knew. I wish blogger hadn't lost all of my archived posts so I could go back and reminisce. It seems that age really is just a number and I am still so young, but that I should be farther along than I am on this crazy journey. We're really still just kids. Lord, please help me to continue this new year in YOUR timing...and as crazy as this is, Lord PLEASE let your timing line up with mine...pretty please. I feel I've waited so long. I know your plan is greater. Help me to remember that for the new year...YOUR plan is greater.